


Distress From The Heart

by happilyappled



Series: Weak Hearts [2]
Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Congenital heart disease, Death References, Fluff, Heart Attacks, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Medical Procedures, Nurses, nurse!frank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-21
Updated: 2013-06-21
Packaged: 2017-12-15 14:03:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/850388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happilyappled/pseuds/happilyappled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard's heart condition is worse than ever and Frank fears for his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Distress From The Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, [Riley](http://podfic.tumblr.com), for being an awesome nurse and for having inspired this story from the very beginning ♥  
> Thank you, [Janice](http://fierda.tumblr.com), for your amazing beta skills and everlasting support. You're wonderful ♥  
> ~~  
> Maybe I fucked up a little with U.S. schedules for nurses, but I chose 8-hour shifts for every nurse at the hospital where Frank works: "morning shift" from 7am to 3pm, "evening shift" from 3pm to 11pm and "night shift" from 11pm to 7am. Just to clear that out.

_~ Early April_

Frank frowns at his phone, upset about the fact that Gerard hasn't contacted him the whole afternoon. Frank left him at the gallery before he came to the hospital for his evening shift and made Gerard promise that he would call or drop him a text at least when he got home. He hasn't said anything at all, though.

His worry over Gerard is totally justifiable because the last couple of weeks have been quite scary. Gerard is easily tired out these days and there's been a small but still worrying fluctuation of his blood pressure and heart rate, which Frank measures frequently. Apart from that, Frank slipped a pill into Gerard's evening tea whenever he refused to take his pain medication, even though his behavior showed that he was suffering after spending entire afternoons taking care of their garden.

Gerard has been planting some flowers since mid-February, claiming that it calms him down. It certainly keeps him busy and relaxes him when he's not in the studio upstairs or at the gallery, and Frank loves their little garden. It looks perfect, occupying a small area at the front of the house, to the right of the pathway leading from the picket fence gate to the doorstep. So far it's still just a patch of green leaves over dark brown dirt, freshly dug and cared for by Gerard, making him come home every day with dirty hands and a satisfied grin.

It's true that the newly planted flowers make Gerard happy, but the constant activity ends up taking its toll on him. Gerard is lethargic most of the time and frequently irritable as well, and Frank simply fears something more insidious than his mood swings. He's afraid that this ongoing fatigue might lead to a stronger heart attack or something even more complicated that leads to heart failure. Frank doesn't feel strong enough to think of the possible consequences, though.

He's been lightheaded the whole afternoon today, carrying his phone and his beeper in the pocket of his blue scrubs, checking them often in case they're turned off for no reason, or verifying that it's not muted or anything, but Gerard hasn't called. Frank feels his own chest constrict because something could have happened and Gerard could have not had the time to call or just beep Frank. His concern is slowly turning into panic and Frank isn't sure if he'll last through the end of his shift.

"Three more hours," he tells himself, forcing the last bite of his sandwich down his throat. He's finished with dinner, although he wasn't even hungry to begin with; Frank has been pushing himself to eat five times a day, even if just small portions at a time. He's been doing the same with Gerard, but apparently the loss of appetite is a mutual issue.

"Gerard is fine and you'll be home in a few hours." Frank tells this to himself repeatedly until he gets to the nurses' room, throwing his wallet and lunchbox into his locker. Next he grabs his phone again and calls Gerard, but there's no answer. He even calls Mikey, since the two brothers were supposed to have dinner together, but he's not answering either.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." Frank's heart is beating fast and he takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He calls them a second time and not getting any response worries him even more, lots of horrible thoughts assaulting him and his scariest dreams coming back into his mind. He tries to convince himself that they're together and just not paying attention to their phones, or maybe Mikey left Gerard at home for an early night.

This doesn't make Frank feel any better, though. Every time he knows Gerard is asleep, Frank checks on him as much as he can. He wakes up several times at night just to make sure Gerard is still breathing, because Gerard has said that sometimes he doesn't want to wake up. It's harder to deal with that thought when Frank works the night shift, from eleven p.m. to seven a.m. since he knows how easy it is for a person's heart to give up when one's asleep. Frank can't help feeling like this. He knew he'd be worried over Gerard when they started dating; hell, he worried about Gerard before that too, but this pain and this fear are too strong to control and too overwhelming.

Work overcomes his thoughts for the next couple of hours, though. He spends the very last hour of his shift completely alienated from everything, moving automatically and replying to his colleagues or to his patients in short sentences. That's very unlike him, but he's not used to staying calm when he hasn't heard from Gerard in so long.

His skin buzzes in anticipation when Frank notices that it's eleven p.m. and the nurses that will take over the ward for the night shift arrive. Frank follows them to the nurses' room for the handover meeting, having been the one in charge this evening, but he has to focus twice as hard to speak up. He just thinks about getting out of there so he can go and check on Gerard. His colleagues notice that something is wrong and Alice, a nurse that Frank is particularly close to since they were in the same class back in college, asks him if she can help with anything. He politely declines her help, wishes her a good night and rushes to his locker.

That's when he finds his cell phone. Frank freezes and his eyes widen in panic. How could he have left his phone in the locker? How could he have forgotten to look for it any time after dinner? He grabs his phone and looks through it, finding a missed call from Mikey and a few others from Dr. Owens's office number. Fuck.

"Oh God," Frank says out loud, no longer worrying about taking off his scrubs. A voice calls for him from behind, startling him and it's one of the night shift nurses, George, who says, "Dr. Owens called. She wants to speak with you in her office."

"Shit, shit, shit," Frank repeats to himself, before he thanks George for delivering the message and shuts the locker door with a loud crash. He leaves the nurse's room immediately and hurries to the stairs, climbing up the two floors that separate him from the cardiologists' offices hall. There is only one reason why Gerard's doctor would want to speak with him. Something must have happened to Gerard.

Frank knew it.

His worry couldn't be totally pointless; he'd predicted that something would happen sooner or later, but he wasn't ready to have it confirmed. He doesn't know anything yet, but it can't be anything simple. Something happened to Gerard and Frank wasn't there to help him, damn it. There's nothing worse than that, especially considering Gerard's condition lately.

He was submitted to an angioplasty a couple of months ago, a surgical procedure to clear out the main vessels connected to the heart to prevent any more blood blockage and the tests he's done as a follow-up have been regular, but his behavior has been quite unstable. Frank has observed it from up close and it seems that he hasn't been worried in vain.

Frank's breath is labored by the time he knocks on the office door and he rushes inside as soon as the female voice grants him permission. He doesn't even bother with a proper greeting, even though he hasn't seen Dr. Owens today. "Is Gerard okay?"

When Frank finally looks up at Dr. Owens, he's taken aback by the expression on her face. He's seen her worried and stressed, but nothing as deep as the frown she has on her face right now. Her reply to his question doesn't come with a greeting either, as she says in a quiet voice, "We checked Gerard in to the hospital a couple of hours ago."

Frank crosses his hands over his chest, keeping his heart inside like he's the one suffering from the disease. He kind of is, though. He's probably taking this worse than anybody he knows. "What happened?"

"His brother brought him in unconscious. Gerard had another heart attack, possibly stronger than any he's ever had, at least to my knowledge. We medicated him and hooked him up onto a cardiac monitor to ensure that we can control his heart rate and so far he's doing well," she says, apparently calm. That's the only way she knows, as far as Frank can tell. He's not as professional, though. This is about Gerard and he will never be professional regarding his heart disease.

"I'm afraid the angioplasty was useless. His condition has worsened severely. Has he been taking his medication properly?" Dr. Owens asks and Frank nods honestly, although his heart is racing in panic. What if Gerard _hasn't_ been taking his medication like Frank thought? His hands are twitching and he wants to flee out of the office and go look for Gerard, make sure he's alive, but Dr. Owens is quicker to speak. "He needs surgery as soon as possible, Frank."

"What kind of—"

"He needs a new heart. Urgently."

"But that could take months!" Frank can't control his voice anymore and his hands are shaking too. His whole body is shaking. Being a nurse is the best and the worst of his life; he's able to look after Gerard, but it also means that he is saddled with the knowledge of all the possible outcomes to everything he goes through.

The silence Dr. Owens falls into doesn't help his nervousness. Frank fears for Gerard's life more than his own, especially knowing that he can lose Gerard at any minute. Just one accident, one tiny issue could take Gerard away from him, and that would be unbearable. They've been mending his weak heart for years, yet nothing seems as definite as they would like. That is a hard to take realization and Frank buries his thoughts in it more often than not. Frank trips over his dangerous mind, but he feels Dr. Owens supporting his weight by his left side.

"Easy, Frank," she's saying, a caring tone coating her professional voice. He lets her help him sit down in the armchair next to the door; it's the closest one and it's really helpful, since Frank needs to squeeze something in his hands to stop the trembling. He's also hyperventilating, his lungs struggling for air, his nose flaring rhythmically, and the only thing he thinks about is seeing Gerard.

"I feared for this day," Frank sighs out, burying his face in his hands because he really did. He prayed every night, even asked his mother to pray for Gerard at church, because he can't stand the thought of losing Gerard. Frank knows exactly how big the risk is. This devil is closing in on him and Frank despises it.

"There's something else that I need to tell you, Frank," Dr. Owens says, but Frank shakes his head. Whatever it is, he doesn't want to hear it. He can't take any more bad news before he sees Gerard.

"No. I just want to see him right now," he insists, getting up all of a sudden and feeling strongly dizzy. He staggers back, trying to support his weight on the armchair, but his knees tremble and give out until he's sitting down again.

"Frank, listen. This is important," Dr. Owens says, even though Frank is barely paying attention to her. His blood is panging in his ears and he feels clogged up from all this fear, this monster that has been consuming him since he found out exactly how unstable Gerard's condition was. The doctor gets his full attention when she says, "We almost lost him."

"What?" Frank freezes, straightening up in the chair. He looks into Dr. Owens's eyes and they're filled with something that Frank recognizes. He's seen it in his own eyes whenever he stayed at the hospital with Gerard. They're both really close to Gerard, having monitored his condition together and having been concerned over this problem for six years now. Dr. Owens has been nice enough to let Frank in on all the details of this disease, so Frank is perfectly aware of how much this is bothering her too.

"We lost him for about three minutes and it was the most horrifying experience in my life. I've lost patients before, unfortunately, but no one that's so close to me and my team. I don't want you to think about it, but I can't keep this information from you." She quietens down afterwards and Frank's breath gets stuck in his throat, choking him.

This confirms Frank's worst fear and it's the most heartbreaking news he's ever had to hear. If Gerard's heart stopped for three minutes under Dr. Owens's hands, anything could happen while they wait for a new heart. A heart monitor may ensure that he's alive, but Frank knows the other side of the coin. He knows and he hates it.

"Frank, breathe," the doctor's voice calls out to him, and he lets out a loud sob when one of her hands falls on his arm.

**

"Hey," Frank hears a soft greeting and turns to it immediately, only to find out it isn't directed to him. It's Mikey talking to Gerard.

Gerard's awake at last.

Frank approaches the bed as fast as he can, sharing a small smile with Mikey at the relief of this moment. It's been two hours since the end of Frank's shift and he hasn't even eaten anything except his nails, nor has he undressed his uniform. He's worried sick about Gerard. Mikey has been in the room with him, but they have barely talked, both of them severely concerned about Gerard's unconsciousness. It was hard to bear the realization of not knowing when he was going to come back, but thankfully his eyes are open now.

"Good to have you back, Gerard. We were so worried," Frank says, caressing Gerard's hair sweetly at the same time as Mikey. They share another quick look again and Mikey looks a lot better now. His eyes have been unfocused and preoccupied until now and he hasn't left Gerard's bedside or let go of Gerard's hand, but it's okay now. Frank tries to tell him so with a nod.

Gerard is stable now. Frank is feeling much better despite his worry because he knows how strong Gerard truly is. He presses the buzzer on the right side of the headboard, hoping that Gerard is comfortable enough to stay awake for a while so the cardiologist can come and make a proper prognostic for the rest of the night.

"Mikey," Gerard tries to say, but it's barely a whisper. His voice sounds hoarse and he harrumphs, as his throat must be so dry after these hours unconscious. He shifts on the bed uncomfortably, legs bending by the knees and then stretching back down again, until Frank places a hand on his thigh and he calms down again. Mikey has a hand on Gerard's wrist and turns to his brother diligently, but Gerard's face contorts the way it does when he's worried.

Gerard just asks, "The garden?"

Frank chuckles at him as a nurse rushes into the room. Frank knows her, but doesn't have enough time to say anything before she goes back out after realizing that Gerard is awake.

"Good to know your priorities are still settled," Mikey says amusedly, making Gerard cough instead of laughing.

"I'm so tired," Gerard rasps out. Frank shushes him, rubbing his thigh and squeezing his fingers, as there's an IV attached to this hand.

He is also connected to a heart rate monitor and it has been stable so far, but its rhythm accelerates within the next seconds. Frank tries to calm Gerard down through soothing words and incites Mikey to do it as well, but thankfully the nurse comes back with a doctor in tow.

Frank only turns his head in their direction very briefly, hearing Mikey's soft voice in the background, but when he looks back at Gerard he is no longer awake.

**

"Frank."

Frank hears his name in a croaked voice and turns to it immediately.

It was about time Gerard regained consciousness. It's been a couple of hours since the first time and Mikey has already gone home, to rest and pass on the message about Gerard's health status, but Frank had stayed around. It's well into the night right now and Frank is exhausted after an eight hour shift and all this waiting, but he wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

Thankfully, Gerard is back now. Frank sits up on the edge of the armchair that was brought into the room early on by a fellow nurse. He takes Gerard's hand in his, the IV-free one now, holding it tight and also sweeping the locks of hair away from Gerard's eyes. He's so beautiful despite his fragility and the painful grimace on his face.

"How do you feel?" Frank asks him after offering Gerard some water to clear his throat. It should be dry after several hours unconscious, but that's not the worst thing right now. Gerard asks him about what happened and Frank explains everything he knows, that Gerard had another heart attack and Mikey brought him in, and that after the doctors performed more tests on him, they came to the conclusion that he needs a heart transplant.

The frown growing on Gerard's face alarms Frank the most. He can't tell Gerard not to be worried or scared, that it's only a matter of time and that Dr. Owens will do everything she can to make it quick. Frank doesn't believe in that himself and he's scared shitless of losing Gerard to this disease; who is he to tell Gerard how to feel?

Even so, it's heartbreaking to listen to Gerard's next words. "I don't want a new heart, Frank. Postponing the inevitable sounds stupid right now."

Frank can't say anything in response: his throat is clogged and he's too selfish to even dare to answer. He wants Gerard to live, but the pain in Gerard's eyes is excruciating and Frank can't really tell what's best for any of them.

**

The next week, however, Frank is drawing blood from a weak Gerard to send it for a tissue typing test. 

"It's a blood test to look at HLAs," Frank tells him, tightening a tourniquet around Gerard's upper arm. It secures the vein in place and Frank sees it swelling with blood as he disinfects the crook of Gerard's elbow with an antiseptic soaked tissue. He knows talking will relax Gerard and make it easier for Frank to puncture his arm, so he explains what the lab will be analyzing in Gerard's blood.

"Human leukocyte antigens," he says, looking up one last time. Gerard is staring at him and nods, so Frank nods back and lowers his eyes to see himself pulling the cap off the needle. The rest of the procedure goes on smoothly as Frank keeps talking to Gerard. "They're on nearly every cell in your body, namely in the white blood cells, and help the immune system tell the difference between body tissue and foreign substances. It's what will help the transplant center find the perfect heart for you."

"Can I refuse to get a transplant?" Gerard asks and Frank freezes. His hands tremble over the needle and the almost filled vial, and he looks up swiftly. Gerard is still looking at him, but Frank has to remove this vial and replace it with another empty one so he focuses back on his actions.

He wishes he didn't have to have this conversation with Gerard, but he isn't only Frank's boyfriend; he's a patient and everyone has the right to have his questions answered. Frank swallows the thick air in his throat and follows the curse of the blood into the vial, saying as professionally as he can, "Of course. Despite what everybody thinks is best, you are entitled to refuse any treatment."

Gerard doesn't say anything else, though. Frank loosens the tourniquet, reaches for another piece of cotton and slides the needle out, replacing it with the ball of soft fabric that will block any blood leakage. Finally, he wraps it up with a plastic band-aid over the cotton and applies pressure over the punctured site.

Frank watches as Gerard turns his face away from him; he looks really defiant. He didn't want Frank to do this. Before they came to the hospital to perform the tests in order to evaluate his state and his eligibility for a cardiac transplant, Gerard told Frank that he'd rather die.

Frank isn't and will never be ready for Gerard's suicidal phase, even though he's been warned about this possibility. He has tried to talk Gerard into joining a support group, or just talking to people who have gone through the same, but Gerard never agreed to it. He won't even tell _Frank_ what he's feeling. Still he let Frank and Dr. Owens help him through this procedure prior to being added to the transplant waiting list.

"Why don't you talk to me, Gerard? Tell me how you feel. I'll listen," he asks, his tone turning as sweet as possible. He wants only what's good for Gerard, but the decision is also up to him. Frank isn't ready for anything that happens, most likely.

Gerard doesn't say anything. He just lies there, silent and contemplative. Frank thinks back to when he had to struggle with Gerard's fear over needles years ago and how easy those routine tests were compared to now, but also how it had all helped them shape this relationship. Gerard went through a lot of issues over the past six years and he's survived. That's the reason why he believes in Gerard and in his willpower to live through this, despite what he says. Frank reminds him of something very important and that he simply can't ever let go. "You already lost your father to this illness. Please, don't let it take you too."

Gerard remains silent. He turns his face to Frank at last and there's a distraught grimace on it, but he lets Frank hold him and bring their foreheads together. In this reverence over Gerard's silent figure, and knowing that Gerard hates it and doesn't really believe in it, Frank prays. He begs for Gerard's life because he's selfish and doesn't want to lose someone that means so much to him.

Gerard picked him out of a useless life. Helping people out in the hospital was good, but all the rest was pointless and empty. Gerard filled that void and turned Frank into a happy person. He'd been disappointed with his own fate for a long time until Gerard came into his life and changed his point of view. Frank had always been told that he just needed to be patient, that there would be someone out there looking for him and wanting to make him happy, but he'd stopped believing in that after college. He'd lost too many friends over stupid causes and he felt alone. Up until Gerard came to him and stole his heart.

Frank wishes Gerard had stolen his heart and stayed healthy, so he prays for his welfare. It seems like this is the only thing he can do besides waiting.

**

_~ Mid June_

Frank's day off started out great, sleeping in late and cuddling with Gerard until their laziness wore off, but it's been pretty boring since lunchtime. First off, Gerard disagreed with Frank's meal choice and with the fact that Frank had to insist with him to take his meds, even though they're mandatory to avoid any more distressful heart incidents.

This led to a minor fight and ended up affecting Gerard's mood, and he just finished eating and went upstairs. Frank was startled by this strange behavior, but he didn't say anything. At least until Gerard came back downstairs wearing his oldest jeans and his olive green t-shirt.

"You hate that t-shirt," Frank points out, puzzled, but Gerard just shrugs it off and says that he's going outside to weed out the garden. Frank sighs.

The first thing Frank does is occupying his mind with house chores, cleaning up the kitchen and every other room downstairs. He goes upstairs and makes their bed, dusting and vacuuming their bedroom, then the en-suite bathroom, but none of this takes him too long. Frank hesitates in front of Gerard's studio, unsure if he should clean it up as well, but decides against it considering Gerard's mood swing earlier. He ends up going back downstairs, watching TV in the living room, but it's boring, and so he chooses a new book instead.

Nothing seems to help. Frank doesn't want to be alone, yet the person he wants to be with is being a moody little bitch and is outside.

The sun has been shining the whole day, the big windows in their suburban house letting the daylight come inside effortlessly, and Frank watches Gerard through the living room French doors. He's kneeling down, the muscles on his arms and shoulders flexing with every action, and he seems to be slightly nodding his head to some sort of tune. Frank is thankful that he has his art and his garden to help him out through his frustration, but he wants nothing more than Gerard's attention.

He has an idea. Gerard's mood must have improved during the two hours and a half he has spent gardening, so Frank gets up from the couch. He moves slowly to the kitchen, thinking of the perfect drink to keep Gerard away from dehydration, but also to conquer his attention.

Frank ends up preparing some iced coffee in the blender. The result is a fresh, creamy drink, just the way Gerard likes, and Frank takes two cups outside. "Hey, Frank Bryce, you thirsty?"

"Please, don't kill me, sir," Gerard joins in on the joke, looking up at Frank and sitting on his heels. The front of his t-shirt is sweaty and there are trails of sweat under his jaw and on his neck, so Frank thinks this drink will be a great excuse to deter Gerard from his task.

He needs to be told to take a break because most of the time, he forgets. Frank has several times found him close to fainting, either in the garden or the studio, because his heart doesn't take well on long hours of continuous work. Gerard seems to ignore this fact when he's concentrating, but thankfully Frank is here to help him out today.

"You wanna sit on the doorstep?" Frank offers as Gerard gets up and wipes his dirty hands on his pants. They're pretty brown already, having been blue when he left the house, but Frank can only smile at this. He loves his dirty sweaty private gardener.

They sit down and sip their drinks, Gerard humming delightedly after the first few gulps. He drinks his cup faster than Frank thought possible, whereas Frank himself has only taken a few sips, so he offers his cup to Gerard. He refuses, but Frank insists, "We can share."

Gerard agrees to that and well, they spend quite a long time sitting there and talking about the garden and all these plans Gerard has for the rest of the year. Frank grins at his excitement, but he didn't really expect anything else. Besides, it's absolutely amazing to hear him talk about the future like this and Frank can't help but stare dreamily at Gerard while he talks.

**

"Are you okay?" Frank asks, seeing that Gerard has stopped moving. He's hovering over Frank on weak, bent arms and his breathing is labored and uneven. Placing a hand over Gerard's chest as gently as possible, Frank feels his fast heartbeat and looks up in worry. He'd feared this, Gerard asking too much of himself and getting extremely tired over sex or trying to give Frank something his heart won't let him get through peacefully, but Frank doesn't really want to stop now.

They haven't been intimate in a couple of weeks and Frank remembers the last time perfectly. Gerard had dedicated himself to gardening most of the afternoon, and then he'd gone up to his studio claiming that he was feeling rather inspired, and then only came downstairs when Frank called for dinner. That night had been gorgeous, but the next day they were faced with a few complications and from then on, a few hospital visits.

Tonight, however, Gerard had looked so needy and desperate that Frank couldn't say no despite the uneasiness he has been feeling over Gerard's unstable state.

"Do you wanna switch positions?" he offers kindly, being as understanding as possible. Lately any kind of effort has put Gerard's heart in overdrive and that's scary in itself, but at the same time there isn't much that would make Frank deny Gerard to have sex with him; only a near death emergency.

Gerard shakes his head slowly and says feebly, "Just need some time."

Frank nods and holds him close, wrapping his arms around Gerard's neck and tipping his nose under Gerard's jaw. Frank feels sweat and warmth everywhere and spreads that feeling across Gerard's back, kissing Gerard here and there to try to comfort him. There's no need to rush. They've got the whole night.

They've got their whole life.

"Frank," Gerard calls for him, but his voice breaks on the vowel. Frank looks up immediately and finds Gerard concentrated on him, looking extremely sad.

"I love you, Gerard," Frank says to cheer him up. The words produce the opposite effect, though. Gerard purses his lips and his whole face contorts in a way Frank has seen a lot recently. Gerard's head is way ahead of himself and sometimes he honestly can't take his own fragility. Frank is perfectly aware of this, so he repeats himself over and over again to make sure Gerard understands what he's saying.

Gerard crumbles on top of Frank and buries his face in Frank's neck, resuming his thrusts into Frank. They both tremble with it in the silence that surrounds them. Frank tries to avoid losing himself in thought, tries to focus on moving his hips, on kissing Gerard's throat through their moans, on grasping Gerard's flesh desperately, but he can't help it. He knows what Gerard is thinking. It's what he's been thinking every time they're together.

This could be the very last time.

It's an upsetting thought, Gerard's heart always beating fast to not let them forget, and Frank holds back his tears with an overwhelming source of power he can only identify with love. There is so much connecting him to Gerard, but in moments like this, bringing back to their minds the delicacy of their relationship, Frank forces himself to be strong enough to control his emotions. He's heard Gerard wishing for his own death, and he has woken up some nights to find Gerard breathing irregularly, not to mention the time he found Gerard on the bedroom floor after having swallowed an awful amount of pills, but he pushes the memories to the back of his mind.

Gerard is alive right now and he's closer than ever, thrusting into Frank, squeezing Frank's hands and kissing his mouth, giving and taking pleasure from such an emotional moment for the both of them. Sex was never meaningless to them, but Frank knows that the last months have been special.

The fear of losing this waiting battle against Gerard's heart is too strong, but it seems insignificant after a while. It's the way Gerard is looking at Frank, like there's nothing and no one else in the world that makes him happy. Frank knows Gerard has made him a different man, has brought meaning and emotions into Frank's life, and these tender moments between them only prove it. They might be somewhat bittersweet, with the what ifs and all the possibilities constantly in their minds, but what actually matters the most is the look of bliss Gerard gets on his face when he comes.

Nothing can beat that. Not even death.

**

_Late August_

Frank is preparing breakfast while Gerard showers and Frank has never been happier to hear Gerard's off key singing. Frank used to tease him about it, but at the moment he freaks out if he doesn't hear Gerard singing. Gerard knows this too, of course. It wasn't only once that Frank rushed into the bathroom scared by the silence coming from it, although he has only found Gerard relaxing in the bathtub. Well, there was that one time when Gerard was actually waiting for Frank, with a hand stroking his hard cock, but most of the time Frank can't help but worry.

When Gerard comes into the kitchen, Frank greets him with a smile, a hand on the nape of his neck and a short kiss, telling him to sit down and eat. Gerard smiles at him and obeys, Frank sitting with him even though he will have to go to work soon. He tried to get time off to stay with Gerard the whole time, in case something happened, but he wasn't able to. Thankfully, Gerard can spend the day with his grandmother; she's livelier than he is and Frank is proud to say that Gerard has learned so many lessons from her.

She's a big part of the reason why he went from being depressed about his poor heart condition to feeling blessed about his life in no longer than two months. Frank couldn't be more thankful for her major role in Gerard's emotional stability when he isn't around. He knows Gerard is in good hands, despite her old age.

"Babysat by my grandma at thirty five years old, pfft," Gerard jokes every time Frank has to leave for work. Frank only smiles at him, knowing that Gerard loves doing it despite it all. He wishes Gerard could just go to the gallery and have some work done, since there is a new art show scheduled for next month, but he doesn't trust Gerard's heart enough to let him be alone. Dr. Owens advised them about it as well, and thankfully Gerard is pretty accepting of that.

Before Frank finishes his own latte, his phone rings on the kitchen island counter. He keeps it with him at all times now, just in case, and today he couldn't be more thankful for that obsession with keeping his phone close.

It's Dr. Owens. "We found a compatible heart!"

**

Frank can't go to work after that call. He hurries to call Alice, who's on her day off and she is kind enough to cover for him after he explains the situation; he'll have to cover for her for at least two days to repay this favor, but he's honestly not worried about that. He's still going to the hospital and putting on his blue uniform, but he has something much more important to take care of today.

Gerard has been waiting for this opportunity since April and it has finally arrived. This time has been hellish, with Gerard's condition growing worse during the first weeks, his depression worsening, but then thankfully this situation was reversed and the biggest reward has finally come.

Gerard is admitted to the hospital immediately for the preparation tests, including a physical exam and other routine tests, and Frank follows him from up close. Dr. Owens never loses her professional stance, but she's kind of gleaming with excitement herself; Frank can read the eagerness in her eyes when he hands her the two vials with Gerard's blood samples. He smiles at her in response and she nods, professionally but also contentedly, although she'll probably never admit it.

It doesn't matter, anyway. Frank just lets her go and sits by Gerard's bedside, holding his hand and hearing him out about everything that he currently feels about the transplant. By the time the donor heart arrives, a couple of hours later, Gerard has made Frank cry with his words. He's speaking as if he's not going to make it through surgery, and Frank knows that there's a high percentage of heart transplants that don't exactly go well, but he knows the surgeons. One of them has the highest success rate in transplant cases, and Frank has faith in them and in Dr. Owens. Most importantly, he has faith in _Gerard._

He tells this to Gerard in a whisper right before he is wheeled out into the OR and pecks his lips briefly, smiling and saying, "I love you." Gerard smiles back at him and squeezes his hand harder, like he's making sure that Frank is following him.

Riley, one of the nurses in the cardiac surgery ward, stops Frank from going into the OR, though. He turns to her with pleading eyes, but despite being thin, she's a brick wall. "You know you can't go in. Family isn't allowed."

"But I could help!"

"You know the rules, and you know you would most likely freak out the whole time. Please stay here," she says, before she pushes Gerard's stretcher past the double doors.

Dr. Owens lags behind and holds Frank's arm. She looks into his eyes and says, "I'll take care of him for you."

Frank nods at her, knowing that she knows exactly what she's doing, but he's too nervous to speak. He watches helplessly as Dr. Owens pats his arm in a reassuring manner before turning to enter the OR. He was counting on going in, on helping during the surgery since he has enough qualifications to do so, even though that's not his current job. He didn't count on being held back just because Gerard's his boyfriend. He is familiar with the OR rulebook and that relatives or any loved ones aren't allowed inside, but he didn't think it would apply to him.

He stays in the waiting room, obediently. He braces himself for at least four hours of waiting, but he starts freaking out way too soon. He stomps to the main hallway, looking down at the double doors leading up to the OR hall, praying that Dr. Owens comes through it with good news, but three hours go by without a single word. Frank keeps seeing Riley rushing in the hall through the double door's small screen and it scares him.

What if there are complications and he's not there to help?

The next hour is excruciating and Frank is nearly ripping out his hair, standing in front of the doors like his life depends on it. He peeks through them and more than once he places a hand on them, tempted to push past them and just search for the room where they're operating Gerard, but at the same time he can't find the guts to do it.

The wait is over five hours after Frank last saw Gerard. Riley comes out through the double doors with a frown atop her brow. Frank is ready to run to her, but his feet are glued to the floor. He doesn't like this look at all. "Riley! Please tell me there's—"

"I can't tell you anything. Dr. Owens will be out in a minute to speak with you," she says in a tender voice, sidling up to him and touching his arm. He looks at her profile and feels his heart racing up, bile rising to his mouth in his panic.

"It can't be," he says feebly, but Riley doesn't answer. She just rubs his arm and waits beside him. It's not long before Dr. Owens comes through the doors, shakily grasping a face mask in her hands.

"Frank, I—" she starts, pausing when Frank looks up and straight into her eyes. He can't feel anything except the anxiety to know what's going on. He's not sure if he's going to make it through the news, considering the doctor's hesitation and the frightened look in her eyes. "I couldn't stay there without letting you know about what's going on. The procedure went amazingly well, he was calm and accepting prior to the anesthesia, and the new heart started pumping soon after we attached it in place. We closed him up and the problems started, though."

"They're trying to revive him now," she says in a tearful voice. Frank has never seen her like this and he doesn't hold it in. He chokes out a sob and runs to the doors, but Riley is fast and strong and holds his almost hysterical self back.

"Frank, no," she says in his ear when he mumbles that he's going in, he's going to save Gerard no matter what, but Riley keeps him firmly in place. He takes small steps toward the doors, but it's not much of an advance, and he's choking and panting before he gets close enough to follow through with his wish.

"Let me go. It's Gerard. I need to—"

"You need to wait here. We've got the best surgeons in there, you know that. You and I know that they're the ones who can pull this off," Riley says in a firm voice, her hands clasped around Frank's arms.

"Frank," he hears Dr. Owens call for him and finds her in front of him next. He's looking at her, but not seeing her really well, realizing that there are tears clouding his vision. Frank feels her hands on his face and focuses on her voice as she says, "I understand how hard this is right now, but I trust those men with my life. Riley kept seeing you by the doors and we were scared that you'd just rush in, so I left the OR to come and comfort you. Those men in there—"

She points at the door with an arm and Frank looks down at his feet, letting the tears fall as his chest constricts. The mere thought of losing Gerard is driving him mad. He's been afraid of this outcome for months, for years if he counts the time he spent worrying over this man that started by being a mere patient and ended up taking the role as the most important person in Frank's life. He just wants Gerard to live.

"I know you do," Riley says in his ear, although Frank hadn't realized that he'd said those words out loud. Riley is holding him close, his back to her chest, but he doesn't feel any comfort. He's absolutely terrified and powerless, and that's the worst feeling in the whole world.

"Come here," Dr. Owens offers kindly and Frank doesn't know any better, he can't do anything else apparently. He just lets himself go and falls into her open arms, knowing that she truly understands. They've both been through horrible times looking after Gerard and battling his heart disease, and this is not the finale they wanted for Gerard. He's been so strong, struggling against his weak-hearted condition and his imminent depression relapse, waiting so patiently for this transplant.

This can't be the end for him. It just can’t be. 

**

The sight of him is unbearable. Just a few days ago, Frank came home from work at three p.m. and found Gerard kneeling in their garden with paint and dirt all over his clothes, and a beautiful grin across his face. Now, he's been in a hospital bed for two days, looking so fragile.

Gerard is unconscious, hooked up to a ventilator to help him breathe. There's a long, large tube coming out of his mouth and two drains on his chest extracting blood and other fluids from within. It's a common consequence after certain surgeries, but knowing that doesn't make it look any less heart-wrenching. There isn't a way to ignore how frail and broken Gerard looks from here, although Frank tells himself that he can do this. He can ignore the fear and the pain in his own heart while cleaning Gerard's drains, jotting down the exact amount of fluids and making sure there are no clogs whatsoever. Any ICU nurse would be able to do this, but Frank wants to do it himself as many times as he can. This is Gerard and it's what Frank does for him; what he has done for almost six years.

Ever since Gerard started seeing Dr. Owens, after his old cardiologist retired, Frank has been assisting Gerard's case. At first, he was just doing his job, being a good nurse for as many hours a day as needed, but then his interest in Gerard changed.

He wasn't only another patient; he was the polite, beautiful man with congenital heart disease and a crooked smile. He was that one person that hated needles and more than once, Frank took almost fifty minutes to draw blood from him whereas the procedure usually takes up only five. He was that awkward guy who sometimes stuttered when Frank talked to him and no one else was around. It was endearing, and Frank fell easily for him, using his nurse tricks on Gerard to finally take him out on a date. Yet it was definitely worth the wait. Gerard is very special, sweet and artistic, moody and gorgeous, and so far none of their fights have overcome that passion. Frank loves him.

That's why he worries and why seeing Gerard like this hurts so much. He's stable and recovering, but Frank knows he won't calm down until Gerard wakes up. It's been a couple of days since he came out of the OR with a new heart in his chest and there is no way to confirm his state unless he's awake and fully aware. The waiting is excruciating. Especially because Frank has to go back to work. He wasn't able to take days off yet, but the head nurse promised him two unpaid weeks off starting next Saturday. Today is only Thursday and the clocks seem to have stopped.

"Hey, Frank," he hears and turns his head to see who's there. It's Riley and she's smiling softly. It's nice to see a friendly face, although it doesn't change Frank's current mood. "How is he?"

"Practically the same," Frank tells her honestly. There haven't been any changes in Gerard's state since he came out of the OR. Well, he was partly awake for a short moment yesterday, but he'd only opened his eyes, choked up on the ventilator and looked at Frank as soon as he was beside the bed. Frank caressed his face and squeezed his hand, congratulating Gerard on his strength, but Gerard only blinked and passed out again. For a second there, the heart monitor accelerated, but then the line was flat and Frank panicked. Two ICU nurses rushed in to remedy the situation and a third one held a bewildered Frank away, but it only took them a minute and an adrenaline shot to get a heartbeat back. It wasn't over yet.

It still isn't.

Frank sighs and tries to show Riley a weak smile, her hand falling on his shoulder as she stands beside him. Their silence is awkwardly supportive because Frank knows that there is nothing they can do. It's in Gerard's hands right now. They have to wait as his body adjusts to the new heart, administrating anti-rejection and immunosuppressant drugs into his IV. He will have to take this type of meds for the rest of his life to assure that his immune system won't attack the foreign tissue, since it is naturally perceived as a threat.

That's the biggest risk of any transplant, the person's body rejecting the new organ since it isn't an exact match to the rest of the organs. Medicine is thankfully advanced enough to fight against that, but Gerard will never be rejection free, especially in the first six months. It has only been a couple of days and Frank isn't sure he's ready for the next two hundred days. It will be one hell of a journey.

Frank stays with Riley for a few minutes, not really talking, but feeling at least comforted by her presence. He knows she understands, and she tells him, "I'll always be here, Frank. For anything you need."

"Thanks, having you guys is great," he replies sincerely. Being a nurse and having friends like Riley is very encouraging. The hospital staff is important not only for the patients, but for the relatives, and Frank is in no different position. He's on both sides of the fence right now and he knew it wouldn't be easy, knows it won't get any easier over time, but he trusts Gerard to recover properly. "I have to go now. I have to get back to work."

Riley smiles at him and hugs him before he leaves a kiss and a hopeful whisper against Gerard's forehead. Frank holds his hand and looks at him briefly, leaving for work next. He says goodbye to the ICU nurses on his way past their main room and walks towards the stairs. When he goes down to his ward, every single one of his colleagues asks him about Gerard and Frank tells them all the same, but thanks them for worrying. Alice is there too, leaving for dinner, and says, "I'll be sure to go see him before I come back. I'll let you in on his state afterwards."

Frank watches her walk away and smiles to himself, wondering what he had done to deserve just loyal friends.

Later on, it's finally time for the bedside handover routine. It's when the new shift starts and the new staff takes over the ward, and Frank and his colleagues take them from room to room to talk about every patient's condition during the evening shift. It's something every nurse is used to before ending or starting their daily work.

Frank wishes everyone a good night, gives Alice a tight hug in the locker room and leaves. He doesn't go home like the rest of them. He's been sleeping in the ICU room where Gerard is. It's against the ward rules, but Frank put up a fight against them, and thankfully the head nurse was kind enough to let him stay with Gerard at least until he wakes up.

The first night was awful, Frank waking up every hour or so to check on Gerard and also every time a nurse came in to do so as well. Last night was equally difficult especially when Gerard's heart failed for almost a minute. Tonight, Frank feels exhausted and he still has tomorrow's morning shift before he's free from thinking about work while taking care of Gerard.

Once in the right room, finding an ICU nurse called Frances emptying Gerard's drains again, he asks her if there is any less fluid at the moment. She shakes her head. "The output is growing every time, actually. Dr. Payne came in earlier and said he needs to wake up within twenty four hours, or his new heart might fail from a lack of conscious activity from his brain."

The news is like a slap in the face. If Frank was scared before, he isn't any more hopeful now. Dr. Payne is the surgeon who coordinated Gerard's transplant and no one knows better than him, so Frank isn't sure what he can do now. He doesn't even wait for Frances to leave. Frank just stands beside Gerard's bed, holds his hand and leans over his unconscious form, murmuring a request onto his face. "You need to wake up, Gerard. Don't stop fighting now. The worst is over. Come back to me, please. Come back."

Frank stays there for a long time. He hears Frances wishing him a good night, but then he focuses only on Gerard's heart monitor. It's beating rhythmically to Gerard's left, and the ventilator's hushing noise is equally stable and soothing, but Gerard feels so cold right now. Frank places his forehead over Gerard's, kissing his cheek and the corner of his mouth that's not occupied by the tube, and he stays there for hours, just praying. He also speaks to Gerard, begs him to open his eyes sometime tomorrow because Frank misses him, staying there until Frances returns to clean the drains again. It means it's been two hours and Frank realizes he'd better go to sleep since he will have to work the next morning.

Yet tonight he is assaulted by scary dreams again of a life without Gerard and having to tell his family that things are more complicated than they seem. He wakes up several times, lying there listening to the sounds surrounding Gerard, but every time he falls back into slumber he has the same dreams.

Well, one time he sees Gerard's father and listens to his soothing words: "I'm looking after my son, Frank. You're doing a wonderful job. You're a great person, and I know you've saved his life. Maybe he's too much of an introvert to see it, or too forgetful to say it, but you're the reason why he's still alive."

Frank wakes up with tears in his eyes afterwards and rushes to the bathroom to throw up every hopeless sob that constricts his chest. His breathing is heavy and his heart feels too fast, so Frank kneels down by the toilet until he's completely calm. It takes him a few minutes to get there, but the room is calm and quiet again.

It's _too_ quiet.

A wave of panic rushes through him and Frank gets up in a hurry, the muscles in his legs and back protesting at the sudden movement. He gets back to the main room at the same time as Frances and another nurse, but neither of them lets Frank approach the bed. Gerard's heart monitor is flat again and the ICU nurses work over him coordinately without a single word. Frank tries to help, begs them for instructions, but the only thing Frances says is, "Call Dr. Payne. It's 642."

Frank is frozen for a second, blinking at the request, but she repeats the number and Frank runs to the phone in the nurses' room. It's programmed to call any doctor with a specific code and Frank pushes the three buttons as quickly as possible, waiting for the voice that speaks after only one ring. Frank announces, in a voice that's surprisingly clear, "Gerard Way, ICU. Heart failure."

"One minute."

Frank puts the phone down and stares at it for a second, wondering exactly what's going on. He runs back to Gerard's room, hearing the loud alarm in the corridor that alerts the ward's nurses that a patient needs their assistance, but Frank ignores it. He doesn't work here and Gerard is in trouble.

He gets there and the two nurses are still hovering over Gerard. The monitor emits a straight beep, the line still flat and Frank stops in his tracks. He watches the green line on the little screen until someone rushes past him. It's Dr. Payne.

There are words being said around Frank, but he's irresponsive. This can't be happening. Gerard's heart is brand new and it cannot have failed. He _can't die_. Frank can't believe his own eyes, but the line is still flat. Gerard is no longer alive and that's the most painful realization Frank has reached in life. He looks at Gerard's lain form and sees Gerard's father faded shape standing between the bed and the wall. That's when Frank's knees give out and he falls to the floor.

He feels himself falling on the bed, and sits upright in the next second. Frank's breathing is heavy and his heart feels too fast, so Frank flees to the en-suite bathroom and throws up as soon as he kneels down by the toilet. He thinks back to his last memory and stares into the void in front of him, feeling his chest constricting and his throat closing up. There's only a rapid breath coming out now and Frank wipes his disgusting mouth with the back of his hand, with tears in his eyes, getting up and rushing to stand by Gerard's bed. He finds Frances there and freaks out, but the heart monitor isn't flat. There's a stable heartbeat. Frances is only emptying Gerard's drains. Frank unfreezes from his panicked state and whispers, "Fuck."

"Are you alright?" Frances asks him moments later, after she's finished with her task. He shakes his head because he's far from alright, but doesn't say anything. The fear in his soul and the dream in his memory don't even let him think straight, let alone muster a reply. Frank just approaches Gerard and holds his IV-free hand, squeezing it as he studies the monitor. Gerard's heart is alive and seems well, so Frank sits up on the chair behind him and tries to relax. The nurse's shoes squeak quietly on the floor when she leaves and Frank sighs, leaning his head on Gerard's arm and closing his eyes.

He looks up when someone shakes him up. It's still dark in the room and Frank sees the nurse he doesn't really know looking down at him. She says, "You should lie down on the bed. You'll sleep a lot better."

Frank hesitates because the last time he did that, he dreamed of Gerard's death and not even the realization that he has to work from seven a.m. to three p.m. pulls him up from the chair. The nurse moves forward to clean Gerard's drains and, afraid of his own slumber, Frank offers to do it. He hears himself and notices how tired he actually sounds, but doesn't let her tell him differently. He hasn't done this since after dinner and he needs the distraction.

He needs to do something practical to know that Gerard is safe; waiting and watching someone else taking care of Gerard isn't nearly enough. This task isn't easy because everything looks and smells so bad, but the outcome is surprising. The number Frank tells the nurse is slightly inferior to the last one on the chart. A lower fluid output is a good start. That is actually good enough news for Frank to go back to sleep, after a small kiss on Gerard's forehead and a squeeze on his hand.

The next morning, which comes not much later, Frank hates the fact that he has to do his job. It's his last shift of the week and it goes by painfully slow. He takes a trip to Gerard's room at least every two hours and Gerard's state remains the same throughout the morning, but in this case no news is not good news. Frank keeps thinking back to what Frances said that Dr. Payne had told her and those words don't leave him for the rest of the shift.

Gerard's new heart _might fail._

Frank has a knot in his stomach for hours and he finds a missed call from Mikey on his cell phone when he goes to lunch. Frank calls him back with his uneaten sandwich in hand, not feeling hungry at all, and then Mikey picks up the phone and Frank can barely hold his emotions in. Mikey says he'll be visiting this afternoon and Frank tells him he's free after six, revealing afterwards what Dr. Payne had said.

There's only silence at first, but then Mikey says, "He's going to make it, Frank. He loves you too much to just abandon you."

Frank feels tempted to say that their father loved them too, but his dream comes to his mind and he doesn't speak at all. The vision seemed too grateful for Frank to bring him up so easily, so he just says, "I hope you're right, Mikey."

After the call is over, Frank takes a few bites off his small lunch, but it doesn't feel satisfying. His stomach is growling lowly, but his appetite or maybe his willpower to stuff food in his mouth is practically none, so Frank gives up and throws everything back into the plastic wrapper. Maybe he'll try again later.

Next, he goes to the locker room to store it away and stands there for a while looking at the bottomless pit in his locker. It should take him down until Gerard is awake. Frank doesn't feel like living in this mad world of patients who need him. He wants to be wherever Gerard is, the ICU now, hopefully the post-surgery care ward tomorrow. That is all Frank wishes for in his current life.

"Damn it, Frank," a voice startles him from behind. He turns to it, mostly surprised than anxious, but upon seeing Alice his mood changes. He suddenly becomes worried. "You're one hard nurse to find."

Frank panics. "Did something happen?"

"Yes. ICU called," she says. Frank's heart rate accelerates and he moves forward, trying to get past Alice. What if she carries bad news? Yet she's smiling, which doesn't make Frank feel better right away, unlike her next words. "Gerard's awake."

**

It's been a whole week since Gerard has been out of his coma, the same amount of time Frank has been off work, but he still has been spending more time at the hospital than at home. It's not that he's as worried as before, but it's nice to be around and help out in anything related to Gerard's state.

When Gerard woke up, he was weakened but seemed surprised at his own recovery. Frank went to see him immediately after Alice told him about it, as he was still in his lunch hour, but Gerard couldn't speak yet because of the ventilator. He did close his eyes in some sort of relief when Frank leaned over him and caressed his face, kissed the corner of his lips and held his hand.

Frank told him a few encouraging things, but an ICU nurse came in with Dr. Payne and Frank got a beep from the head nurse of his ward, so he had to leave the room. He told Gerard he would be back in a couple of hours and they actually passed as swiftly as Frank had never seen. When he came back at the end of his shift, still in his working blue scrubs, Gerard was off the ventilator and smiling.

Frank kissed him full on the mouth at last, just their lips pressed together for a while, but it was more than enough. They didn't really talk afterwards because Gerard's throat was dry and hoarse, but it didn't take long. Hearing Gerard's voice was a wonderful moment. Frank had missed it, but he had no idea how much until that very minute. Afterwards, Gerard's mother and brother came to visit and Frank willingly left them alone, but he didn't make it far. He stayed by the door, just outside the room.

Gerard left the ICU on Saturday afternoon, around twenty six hours upon waking up, and was transferred to the post-surgery care ward where he would stay for a while longer. He was finally allowed visitors because only close relatives were let in into the ICU rooms and that was actually comforting to see. Gerard's friends and even old acquaintances came by, and Gerard got cards or small gifts from people who simply knew his work from the art gallery and wanted to send their best wishes.

The first few days were awfully long, but Gerard's progress was gradual. His new heart remained stable, so his IV was removed on Monday morning, before the intravascular infusion damaged Gerard's vascular system irreparably. Gerard was finally allowed to take his medication orally.

On Tuesday, a week after the transplant, the first cardiac biopsy Gerard went through showed no signs of rejection, which meant that his body was accepting the new organ quite well. There would be an imminent risk of rejection for six weeks, but the first days would always be the worse. At least for Frank. He simply didn't leave Gerard except for bathroom breaks or to go to sleep at home since the nurses were already giving him the stink eye. Frank couldn't go anywhere else, though, afraid that his own heart would fail.

Right now, it's been seven days since Gerard left the ICU, eleven days after the transplant, and it's time to have the drains removed from his chest. The fluid output started getting lower after Gerard regained consciousness and it's been almost twenty four hours since there was any fluid output, so Dr. Payne agreed that it was time to relieve Gerard of this burden. It's been awful to see him with tubes, no matter how thin, coming out of his chest. Frank has seen them in other patients, and it's equally disturbing, but this case has been bothering him for a long time.

"Is it gonna hurt?" Gerard asks shyly. Frank smiles at him sweetly because he has no idea, but they both turn to Dr. Owens.

She will be performing this quick procedure in Gerard's room, merely by pulling the cylindrical tubes out. It's nothing too complicated, and her reply to Gerard's question is equally simple. "It might be a little uncomfortable, but that's it."

"And you've been through worse," Frank says to calm Gerard down, taking his hand and squeezing it. He stares into Gerard's eyes to help him keep his attention away from what the doctor is going to be doing, but Gerard still contorts his face in discomfort. "Don't think about it, Gerard. Just focus on me."

"Talk to me," Gerard requests, making Frank smile. Having a conversation has always calmed Gerard down during any procedure that he despises at the hospital, so Frank complies and talks about home.

The news aren't the best because everything is looking dirty and uncared for. Frank hasn't been there much after all, but it's quite painful to see the disappointed look in Gerard's eyes when Frank tells him about their garden. It's pretty obvious why Frank didn't really feel like looking after the garden while Gerard was in the hospital.

"I've been watering it every few days, but don't you worry. We'll grow it back in no time," he promises Gerard, despite the pain in his hand. Gerard is squeezing it pretty hard. "What's wrong?"

"Feels weird," Gerard says, just before Dr. Owens announces that she's finished. There are a couple of long tubes on a tray beside her, but Frank distracts Gerard from looking at them with a small kiss.

"You were such a good boy," Frank says cheekily. Gerard laughs lightly.

**

The next Thursday, Frank eats something quick for lunch and puts the dirty dishes in the washing machine because he wants to spend time with Gerard before going to work. He has the evening shift today, from three p.m. to eleven p.m., and Frank kind of slept in this morning, so he's running behind in everything he does. Thankfully, Frank manages to eat faster than he thought, so he just grabs what he needs from the kitchen table and his keys from the little bowl in the foyer, and leaves the house.

The drive to the hospital is slow and Frank spends ten extra minutes stuck in traffic, which upsets him. He's been spending much less time with Gerard since he has been recovering pretty well and Frank's worry is much more tamed. Gerard's heart has been a lot more stable and the mandatory weekly biopsies have had negative results, showing no signs of rejection, so Frank trusts Gerard's body to recover completely soon.

What Gerard needs right now is to prolong his physical endurance. The transplant has weakened him and he needs to find a new rhythm for himself, and Dr. Owens has warned Gerard about how careful he needs to be. The first six months are extremely important and require a lot of patience because Gerard's body will get tired a lot easier. He has been out of bed since Monday, for small periods of time of course, and it's gotten better in these four days.

Frank was there the first time Gerard stood up and it seemed to be very painful, as Gerard seemed terribly bothered by the mere effort of standing without help. The next day, however, Frank took a two minute walk with him, just to the bathroom and back, and it was amazing. Gerard was breathing heavily when he sat back down on the bed, but Frank had a proud fluttering in his chest and grinned happily at Gerard.

Frank thinks back to it while he's in traffic, humming along to the radio and staring at the passenger seat. There's a small bunch of flowers on it; Frank picked them up from their garden, five beautiful roses with water-dripped petals and long stems. He grins proudly at them, wondering what Gerard will say about them, if he will like to see them, if he will like to know that Frank has been watering, weeding out and even talking to their garden. At first, it was embarrassing, standing outside with a watering can talking to flowers, but Frank got into it. He kept imagining Gerard's happy face if he ever saw Frank there, and that motivated him. It was awesome.

When Frank gets to the hospital and parks the car, he clasps both hands around the stems. He can't wait to show them to Gerard. The first thing he does is going up to Gerard's room, but it's empty. Frank tries the bathroom, knocking on the door first, but Gerard isn't there either. Next, he finds a nurse outside the room and asks her about Gerard. He stills has forty minutes before the beginning of his shift, so Frank wants to take advantage of that time.

The nurse — Candy, reads her ID card — looks down at the flowers with a frown and Frank knows exactly why. No flowers are allowed in the cardiac ward because of the infection risk, but Frank doesn't plan on getting rid of them until he receives exact orders. She doesn't mention anything about it, though. She just says, "He wanted to catch some sunlight. Frances took him to the garden on the second floor."

"Thank you," Frank replies, turning on his heels with his hands tight around the roses. He cut off the thorns back at home, so they're pretty safe, but his hands feel clammy. Frank is so anxious to see Gerard's reaction to the flowers.

Besides that, he hopes Gerard doesn't come back before Frank gets to see him, even though they could get on an elevator at the same time and end up wasting precious time. Thankfully, he gets to the second floor and finds Frances easily, standing behind a wheelchair. Gerard's sitting on it, apparently relaxed, with a smile up on his face. They're by the roses' bushes, so Frank can't help but grin proudly and approach them from behind.

"I miss gardening," Gerard is saying sort of melancholically, touching a rosebud with his knuckles, and Frank clears his throat to interrupt him. Gerard looks up and grins.

"Your garden misses you too," Frank says with a teasing smile, making Gerard chuckle. Behind him, Frances laughs and says she should go now that Frank is here. He nods and thanks her for bringing Gerard here. Gerard's eyes seem to close up on Frank's hands, so Frank says, "Hi. I brought you something."

Gerard's eyes widen when Frank hands him the roses. Gerard cradles the flowers in between his hands and sniffs them, sighing contentedly. Suddenly, he stiffens and looks up at Frank with a frown. "Did you buy these?"

"Nope." Frank shakes his head smugly. "They're _yours_. I picked them up this morning. As soon as I saw them, I knew I had to bring them here, but don't worry. There are a lot more left back at home."

"In fact, I took pictures," Frank adds when Gerard looks down at his handful of roses. He shows Frank a soft smile in reply, and Frank pushes the wheelchair closer to one of the benches so he can sit down and show Gerard the pictures on his phone.

Gerard kind of sulks at them, certainly wishing that he was home, but then Frank tells him a few stories of what he did to take proper care of their garden. In the end, Gerard laughs wholeheartedly.

"It's beautiful," Gerard says in a soft voice. He's smiling and pecks Frank's cheek smoothly. " _You're_ beautiful. Thank you."

Frank feels his own chest swelling with pride and love, looking at Gerard and saying how much he loves him. Frank suggests taking a short walk, given Gerard's light mood and his delicate smile, and Gerard agrees to it. "I exercised for a while before Frances brought me down here, but it's not the same as having you with me. I love taking walks with you. It brings me back to when we went out for coffee and ended up walking for hours, just talking or staring at the people passing by in the street."

"Oh, c'mere, you big sap," Frank needles, grinning. He pulls on Gerard's hand softly until he's standing and holds Gerard around his middle, hugging him closer and kissing his neck. Gerard chuckles and does the same to Frank, before grabbing his head and kissing him fully on the mouth. It's soft and slow, but it's one of the best kisses ever.

Later on, Frank monitors the time Gerard spends standing, making sure he has something good to report back to Dr. Owens. The twelve and a half minutes they spend walking leave Gerard short of breath and with a tired gaze, so Frank sits him up once again and pushes the wheelchair through the garden back into the building.

"I'm very proud of you, Gerard. You're doing so well, I can't wait for you to go back home," Frank says dreamily, hoping that the effort Gerard puts into his recovery is good enough for Dr. Owens to discharge him. Frank really can't wait for that day. He will have two weeks off starting Monday, his long due summer vacation time, so he hopes Gerard will be home by then. Or shortly after.

Before then, Frank takes Gerard to his room although he won't be able to stay for much longer, but he gets to see Gerard leaning in to sniff at the roses a few more times, like it's the best thing ever. Maybe it is. This garden has been Gerard's project the whole year and Frank is very proud of him for having been successful. From now on, they will always have a house full of beautiful flowers and Gerard will be constantly busy when he's not working with art. Frank feels amazingly blessed. It's perfect.

**

Monday comes and Gerard may be discharged today, but it will depend on the results of one last medical test: a heart biopsy. It's a procedure performed weekly on transplant patients during the first month and so far, Gerard has been through two, but it doesn't mean that he's any less anxious.

This time, he demanded Frank's assistance, claiming that he hadn't been there for the previous ones and it had been terrifying. Frank couldn't say no; he wanted to be there for Gerard. Dr. Owens had told them about it on Friday, before she left the hospital for the weekend, and this morning Frank keeps checking his beeper to make sure he doesn't miss her message. Frank has just finished helping Gerard change into a hospital gown when she beeps him, meaning that she has contacted the anesthesiologist and everything is ready to start prepping Gerard.

This is an invasive procedure that requires a lot of care. The preparation started last night, with Gerard being unable to eat or drink anything except water until this morning, and with no food or drink allowed in the two hours prior to the biopsy. Right now, Gerard's face is starting to contort, so Frank squeezes his hand and says, "Don't be nervous. I'll be here the whole time."

Gerard nods, but his expression doesn't change. Frank understands. Gerard has been through this before and only he knows how uncomfortable a biopsy can get.

It shouldn't take a long time, usually between forty five minutes to one hour, and Frank doesn't panic once because he needs to be focused on what he's doing to assist Dr. Owens in the whole thing. He starts by attaching another IV to Gerard's left hand, this time to administrate the proper sedation, although he will be awake the whole time. Afterwards, Frank spreads a few electrodes on Gerard's chest to control his heart rhythm via an echocardiography, and then he applies a blood pressure cuff on his arm and a light sensor on his finger to measure the oxygen saturation in his blood.

The proper procedure is more complicated, from puncturing Gerard's neck to inserting two different types of catheters into Gerard's jugular vein and collecting six tissue samples directly from the inside of his heart.

Gerard's face is continuously contorted in discomfort and Frank pains for him when he notices this, trying to console Gerard by squeezing his thigh. More than once, Frank has to caress his forearm and tell Gerard to calm down because any fluctuation in his heartbeat might have serious consequences. After the third time this happens, Frank asks the anesthesiologist if there's any danger in increasing the dosage of sedative. The anesthesiologist shakes his head and proceeds to do so.

The rest of the procedure goes amazingly well and Gerard's face still contorts from time to time, but everything appears to be normal. The tissue samples that will be sent to the lab are kept in a saline solution so that they can get their results later today. In the end, the punctured site is secured with adhesive strips and Frank applies pressure on it for a few minutes to avoid any hematomas.

Gerard is drowsy when he finally leaves the lab, but he's calm. Frank is happy about that and will gladly stay with him for the next four to six hours, which is the amount of time Gerard is supposed to remain lying down. At the end of the day, Frank is just helping Gerard to sit down so he can finally drink something when Dr. Owens comes into the room.

"I have good news," she says, smiling. Frank releases a long breath, feeling completely relieved. Gerard will be going home today and there is nothing in the world that could compare to what Frank feels this exact moment. He looks at Gerard and he's smiling softly, probably because he's still a little groggy, but just the thought that they will both stay at home for the next two weeks is very comforting.

"See you next week," Frank tells Dr. Owens when they're leaving, adjusting the strap of the big bag with Gerard's belongings on his shoulder. Next Tuesday will be the last weekly heart biopsy, and Gerard will have other tests performed to him that day, but it's the beginning of a new phase in their life.

Frank grins to himself and holds Gerard's hand the whole way home.

**

_~ A year later_

Frank is in the hospital lobby. He has his backpack on his left shoulder and his jacket on his left hand, leaning against the wall. He's facing the main doors to the cardiology ward, waiting for Gerard to come through them.

Gerard was due for a heart biopsy early this morning.

The tests have been done regularly, which is the usual procedure after any heart transplant. First, he had weekly biopsies for a month and one every two weeks for the next three months, gradually evolving to monthly biopsies. So far everything was normal.

Well, until two weeks ago, when Gerard started showing a few worrying symptoms. First, he exhibited shortness of breath and swollen feet, but Frank monitored Gerard's blood pressure and heart rate daily and the signs were pretty clear. Gerard was arrhythmic. The boiling point was when Gerard woke Frank up in the middle of the night complaining about severe chest pain. They called Dr. Owens immediately, even though she was probably at home sleeping herself, but they had strict instructions to call at any hour.

Frank told her about Gerard's complaints and asked Gerard any questions the doctor asked him over the phone, making sure to be detailed in every symptom Gerard had. The first thing Frank noticed was the painful look all over Gerard's face and his hand over his chest. Reporting this to Dr. Owens, she told him to bring Gerard to the hospital immediately. Frank jumped out of bed before he even closed the call. When they got there, Gerard was sent to the cardiac ward and dressed in yet another gown, before a nurse Frank had never even met drew blood from his arm. Frank said he could do it himself, but he wasn't wearing his uniform so the nurse's answer was still a blunt no.

It was painful to just watch, though. Gerard wouldn't stay still and he whined when she punctured his arm, looking up at Frank with pleading eyes. This was very unlike him, at least compared to all the other times _Frank_ had drawn blood from him, but he told Gerard, "It's alright, I'm right here."

Gerard didn't calm down, but the nurse slid the needle out soon after. She looked up at them apologetically and said that she needed two blood samples, but had filled only one vial. She wanted to puncture Gerard's arm _again._ Frank's eyes widened and he almost freaked out at the nurse's inexperience, or maybe incompetence, but thankfully Dr. Owens walked in. She said that one blood sample was perfectly enough and that Gerard would be taken to the cath lab immediately for an urgent biopsy.

The results revealed signs of tissue rejection. Gerard's body was rejecting the new heart, a year after its transplantation. According to Dr. Owens, the signs weren't too critical and they would be able to fight against them through a slight adjustment to Gerard's anti-rejection medication. She also reminded them that every patient developed cases of acute rejection across the first couple of years following the transplant, but it didn't make Frank any less worried.

Right now, he's tired after his eight hour shift, but the only thing he can think about is Gerard. Frank wonders if he will go home or not, if he will have any other tests done, if he will _survive_ or not, because that is basically what Frank has been doing the whole year. Every time Gerard came in to the hospital for these regular biopsies, Frank's mind would wander to the darkest possible outcomes and it wasn't only once that Frank would find himself incapable of assisting Dr. Owens during the procedure. He just couldn't imagine what would happen to his own health if he had to look at Gerard being submitted to that awful test, especially since Gerard told him that it wasn't merely uncomfortable.

Frank loves when Gerard is honest with him about everything, but sometimes he regrets that. Learning that every biopsy put Gerard through a high amount of pain worried Frank even more than the procedure itself.

He yawns and rubs at his eyes, feeling them drooping shut under the tiredness, but he has to wait for as long as it takes. The elevator hall has been their meeting point every time Gerard came in for a biopsy, but if Gerard doesn't come out within the next five minutes, Frank will go into the ward and find him. That's his plan.

There's no need for that, thankfully. Gerard comes out in a wheelchair, pushed by Frances. She nods at Frank, who releases a long, relieved breath. Gerard is alright and suddenly, Frank is stoked about taking him home and sharing a cup of tea before bed.

Gerard gets up from the wheelchair and smiles, taking Frank's hand in his. Frances wishes them a good night and they thank her before she goes back inside, leaving them alone in the hall. Gerard's eyes are shining and his whole expression is calm, which is a good sign. He's not in pain right now.

"How was it?" Frank asks, seriously concerned about Gerard's well-being. Gerard contorts his face, though, so Frank drops the issue for now. He will get to hear Gerard talk about it as soon as he's ready.

"I have to come back again in two weeks," Gerard says sadly, wrapping an arm around Frank's shoulders. Frank caresses his back and sighs with him, taking a glance at the side of Gerard's neck. He sees the adhesive strips, crisscrossed over Gerard's skin, and leaves a small kiss just beneath the slightly swollen site.

They might have to come back in two weeks, but for now they get to go home and have a hopefully good night's sleep.

**

Frank is waiting for Gerard outside. He didn't work today, but his mother needed his help the whole day and he couldn't come to the hospital earlier. Mikey spent the day with Gerard, after the second follow-up biopsy and angiography to check on the evolution of Gerard's rejection symptoms.

The conversation Frank and Mikey had over the phone wasn't worrying at all, and Mikey had said that Gerard was conscious and feeling well, only bothered by the small discomfort of yet another invasive procedure. Frank knows better than that, though. He knows Gerard went through pain and simply didn't want to tell Mikey about it, so Frank hopes he's truly feeling better at the moment.

There's a cold breeze in the air that goes up the back of Frank's t-shirt, so he shivers and taps his foot on the ground. Frank startles at the feeling of someone's arms wrapping around his body, and the light kiss placed on his neck, but Frank doesn't need to turn around. He recognizes the voice that whispers Frank's name in his own ear.

It's Gerard.

For a moment, Frank freezes because he has yet to know the outcome of this last biopsy, but when he turns around, Gerard is smiling. Gerard kisses him first, strongly enough that Frank is forced to bend his back so he can process this information properly and kiss back.

It doesn't take them too long, though. Gerard breaks the kiss and nuzzles his nose under Frank's jaw, smiling against the skin and whispering, "I'm not dying yet."


End file.
